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  >  Daily Journals   >  Day 0 – The Worst Day of Our Lives

I don’t even know where to start with this. Typically when I open up wordpress I am getting ready to reflect on some amazing day we just had on a cruise ship, in some amazing part of the world. But today is very different.

(Fair warning, I’m sorry if this post rambles or goes into left field. That’s where my brain is right now. A piece looking at the future, a piece looking at the here and now and a piece remembering all the things we have been through in the past)

It’s 2:30 in the morning and I am sitting here watching Sean’s heartbeat monitor beat a steady 75. He is sleeping so peacefully and I just can’t help but smile. I look at this beautiful person laying in this hospital bed and know without a shadow of doubt that this man is my soul mate. He is my reason for getting up in the morning. He is my purpose in life. He is my everything.

Today our lives were turned upside down. Today at 6:06pm on February 25th, Sean was diagnosed with super aggressive pancreatic cancer. I can’t say what stage he is because we haven’t had an official diagnosis from an oncologist. Yikes. I never thought in a million years I would ever be thinking about talking to an oncologist. And by the way, I’m really angry at the hospital doctor for dropping this news on us right before everyone went home for the evening. Making someone wait and worry overnight is just plain cruel. So cruel. We will find out tomorrow what the prognosis is and what options we have to battle this.

So the news came, the doctors did their thing and then it was just us. You want to know the one thing that Sean said that absolutely broke me, he said “please don’t hate me”. Oh man, that was it. Bring on the tears. I guess there is always this feeling of did I do something wrong? Did I cause this? But the truth is, there were no warning signs. All of Sean’s blood tests came back in perfect range, he has the blood pressure of an athlete (thanks Concept 2 rower), and yet here we are, staring down the barrel of a loaded gun with the trigger ready to go at any moment.

Tonight was one of the hardest nights of my life. I want to be this super strong woman who is there for her husband but yet the tears keep flowing and Sean is there comforting me. What is wrong with me? Get it together Stef. But the thought of being in this world without Sean rips my heart right out of my chest and the tears just keep flowing. My brain is literally yelling at me to pull myself together and be strong but my heart takes one look at Sean and I just melt into a puddle.

Writing this all down is like my Dumbledore pensieve. A way to take these thoughts out of my head and put them here to look at later, or maybe never again. But still writing all this down has stopped the tears for the moment so that’s a plus in my book.

It’s now 3am and I finally feel tired and ready to catch a few z’s before the next round of doctors come in. Sean and I have decided to take each day as it comes. One 24 hour period is all we are going to focus on at the moment. Within that 24 hours I want to set one goal for myself. I will write that goal here and maybe I will achieve it and maybe I won’t, but it’s all I have right now.

My goal for tomorrow: (although I want to stop the tears, I’m not sure if that’s a doable goal). For tomorrow, I will be present in the moment (no thoughts of death, no thoughts of being alone). I will take as many notes from the oncologist that I can so Sean and I can plan the next course of action. Right now knowledge is power. We will learn and then we will fight 💪

This is not over yet….

Comments:

  • Leigh O'Toole

    February 26, 2020

    Stef you expressed yourself beautifully here, though wish the content were so much different. Writing can be so therapeutic so use it in that way! You dont know me, but I feel I know you from all your wonderful vlogs – even one whereby you slept in your closet during a hurricane! Im heartbroken learning of this news. There are no words that can make it easier except to know how many folks out there you’ve touched, and who now are thinking/praying for you. Tomorrow, take a friend who can take notes for you, but also record the meeting with your phone so you wont be worried about missing anything. Hopefully your oncologist will give you email access as you may have questions after the meeting. As you put together a plan for treatment, you may need additional funds to assist with travel (for treatments?), time off work, etc. I know you’ve got a “Go fund me” account. Perhaps folks can use that to support you from afar. I’d be happy to assist with anything like this. Please feel free to email me. ((HUGS)), thoughts, prayers coming your way from CA.

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  • Mandy

    February 26, 2020

    My eyes are leaking reading this, I pray that there will be a favourable prognosis from the oncologist, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending much love and positive vibes to you both x

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  • Betty McLimore

    February 26, 2020

    Take one day at a time, Knowledge is power. If you need anything or someone to talk you, I am here for you. Embrace your family-we love you and Sean.
    Aunt Betty

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  • Brenda

    February 26, 2020

    I don’t know you two at all. Someone in the cruise community mentioned you both and I just came to extend my arms to hug you both. To spread prayers. I’m not sure what lead me here, but I felt I needed you to know, your ending hasn’t been written. This chapter has just begun, so take this time to energize the positives in your lives. Feed the good, learn all you can. Even a what if is better than a No way. From this post of yours, I imagine a great love, build on that foundation. Pull strength from every source. There are so many people surrounding you both, pull from their love and strength. Don’t fear the walk…we will help you both through this. If you need your community…don’t be afraid to reach out.Love and support from this day on, you guys got this❤-Brenda

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  • Jeremy Mikel

    February 26, 2020

    To Stef adn Sean: My heart is truly hurting right now. My love and prayers are coming your way. I am a man of faith and I am truly praying.

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  • Robyn

    February 26, 2020

    My heart is breaking for you both right now, I pray that you’ll both get though this & somehow come out the other stronger than ever. Thinking of you both with love & sending healing thoughts & prayers.

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  • Haley Hesson

    February 26, 2020

    My heart goes out to both of you and I’m sending you all the good vibes. I believe in you two, and your love, and I know you can both conquer anything. ☺️
    A PS for Stef: My future fiancé is a therapist. She would remind you that even right now, self care is important. So take a couple minutes for yourself sometimes. If the hospital has a coffee shop or gift shop, go check it out. Buy a coffee, or something silly from the gift shop. Taking moments for yourself means you will be stronger for Sean.
    Thinking of both of you. ❤️

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  • Nic

    February 26, 2020

    You are amazing. Do anything that helps and know you are loved by the many people that have shared vlogs. Hugs to you both xx

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  • Kay Howsrd

    February 26, 2020

    Yes please enjoy every 24 hours it is a gift from God. Keeping you both in my prayers as you battle this. God once said to me…you are way stronger than you think. You got this. Sending rays of hope, live and peace your way.

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  • February 26, 2020

    You don’t know me, but I feel like I know you both so well from following your journey. I am crying with you after reading this and I’m sending all my love and prayers that God handles this. Sean’s work here can’t possibly be done yet. The light and love that you two share with all of us is amazing and irreplaceable. Thank you for that. Stay strong Sean & Stef. Much love, Kathleen Castillo, Patreon follower and cruise enthusiast

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  • Katie

    February 26, 2020

    I am really sorry you guys are going through this. Suggestion, use the voice memo app on your phone when you speak to the doctor. I typically get confused when medical mumbo jumbo is thrown at me and it’s nice to be able to go back to them actually talking to get everything straight in your head. Stay strong! Fight this battle with all your might!

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  • Carole

    February 26, 2020

    Big hugs to Sean & you!!
    One day at a time for now! Great advice!

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  • February 26, 2020

    God bless you all you both are in my prayers. I know you don’t know me but if you need a shoulder tp lean on or a venting post I’m here my God bless you both

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  • Jamie Garrett

    February 26, 2020

    Stef, I know exactly how Sean is feeling. The uncertainty and the reality are the most damning thoughts. A year ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The one word that I could never of imagined in my life . Just like Sean I am a fighter and now I am Cancer free. But that did come a price but I had strong people around me to help me make those decisions and that is you to Sean. You two ate the only ones that can make those life altering decisions. Please know that my prayers are with both of you in the days ahead. I love both of you like my family and now I guess Sean and I are in a very horrible family. But I am a survivor and I know in my heart that Sean will be there too some day. Much love from Texas, Jamie.

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  • Kae

    February 26, 2020

    We have never met, I don’t even know if I subscribe to your channel to be honest. I just love watching you guys. I am so hurt right now. I wish I could hold you guys and just tell you it will be okay. I woke up this morning, praying that I just had a bad dream, but it was not to be. I can only, only imagine how you must be feeling. This one thing I do know is that as much as you love Sean you can’t love him more than God does. He is right there by his side. Depend on him!. Much love. -Kae

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  • Cindy

    February 26, 2020

    Stef, I am so so sorry this is happening. Every one of your emotions is valid. It is ok to cry. It is ok to be furious and scream out in anger at how unfair this is. You don’t have to be positive or strong or a fighter. Hi Being sad and scared doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. Be kind to yourself! So many of us are sending love to you across the miles.

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  • Jackie

    February 26, 2020

    You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

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  • TODD M THOMPSON

    February 26, 2020

    My heart aches for both of you. I just found you recently, and have really enjoyed getting to know you both thru your vlogs. I know a bomb has gone off in your lives and feel like your alone. Know that there is an army of us sending good thoughts and prayers to the both of you. Life can seem so cruel sometimes. I too have had C touch my life as so many others have. Its such a bummer that it happened to 2 very beautiful people. Thank you for letting us into your lives both good and bad.
    Thoughts are with you.
    Todd

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  • Tina

    February 26, 2020

    My heart is breaking for you both my family is fighting the C battle at this time as well. My brother, a healthy 43 year old athlete was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Dont give up! Fight the fight!! Love and prayers from AZ

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  • Jacque Oakes

    February 26, 2020

    As I read your post my heart breaks for you guys. I have followed you guys and your cruise vlogs for a few months now. Your willingness to share your happy times and now your sad time is so very powerful. You both will be in my prayers.

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  • Penny heavens

    February 26, 2020

    You fight this fight 💪

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  • Sarah

    February 26, 2020

    I’m reading this and I’m sending you both all my love , I’ve been where you are and know how your feeling , my mum suffered with Pancreatic Cancer, of witch I’d never heard of till her diagnosis,
    I’m in the Uk, and just know that I’m thinking of you both and Praying for you both , at this tough time
    You have an amazing relationship and are such wonderful people who shouldn’t be going though this ,
    All my love xxxx

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  • Lisa Wise

    February 26, 2020

    Steff, I just want to let you know that I am here if you ever want someone to listen. I know what you are going through and it is tough. You must stay strong even though it will be difficult at times. My prayers are coming to the both of you.

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  • Cindy

    February 26, 2020

    Please know there are so many people behind you! The Journeys you have shared with us all means we have a vested interest in your lives. For good or bad. We are behind you both, cheering you on. You guys can do this!

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  • Dana Lind

    February 26, 2020

    Note taking while the doctors are talking is a hard feat (been there, done that) Piece of advice…. use your phone voice recorder while they are in the room and then make your notes after they leave.

    My husband and I just found you guys recently on YouTube and when I read a post about Sean I was heartbroken. I will be praying for you both!

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    • February 27, 2020

      Thank you Dana for this AMAZING piece of advice. You have no idea how much wait you lifted off my shoulders. I did this exact thing yesterday. The doctor came in and I pressed record. I still took notes (cause that’s what I do, lol) but I had something to fall back on.

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  • February 26, 2020

    Sean, keep strong. You’re in our thoughts and prayers. Stef, keep strong too. You guys are an inspiration to everyone.
    Holly and I are in Orlando if you ever need anything or want to do something fun to keep your mind off things. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

    – Holly and Andrew

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  • Bill DeLange

    February 26, 2020

    Sean and Stef,
    We cannot even begin to express words of hope and encouragement after hearing the news. My wife (Kelly) found you guys prior to our cruises and we have enjoyed your blogs, posts, journeys and live Sunday videos. You guys are funny, inspirational, smart and we always look forward to your blogs and advice as we continue our journey. We are are praying for you guys and let’s get through this and beat it together. You are right Stef – knowledge is power and we will all fight together anyway we can. Day zero is just that – zero. Plenty of days ahead to fight and get Sean back on the next sailing. You have many friends out here thinking of you and sending care and love. Cruisers: Bill and Kelly (Mitchell) DeLange

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  • February 26, 2020

    Dear Sean and Stef,
    We are sending you lots of love and keeping you both in our prayers. Stay strong and know that we are here for you. Stay strong! You got this!❤
    Love,
    Marilyn and Frank
    NYC Rocks

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  • February 26, 2020

    Sean, My friend. Prayers up last night, this morning, and ahead.
    My Grandma always said, ”and this too shall pass” it will with your strength and Stef by your side.

    Just know today a universe of friends is uplifting you and Stef in prayer.

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  • February 26, 2020

    I am so sorry you guys are going through this!
    Sending you all the strength and prayers and love! You guys will get through this, praying for you guys!

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  • Krista Wamhoff

    February 26, 2020

    Since you let our community know of the diagnosis last night. I have prayed and prayed for strength, understanding and courage! I can not imagine the challenges you will face in the future. Please know the community will be by your sides whatever you need.

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  • Michele Shaddix

    February 26, 2020

    Prayers for both of you. Its a fight but very much worth fighting for. To this day I remember October 2017 when my hubby was told he had esophagus cancer. Its like your world just stopped. We were told to not read about it online as it is mostly negative and changes of treatment happen all the time. 2 years later and doing well. Keep your faith and fight the good fight.

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  • Jessica

    February 26, 2020

    I don’t know you at all I saw your post through a Facebook group I follow they asked for prayers today and at the time I did not know what had happened, but I said a prayer. Now I read your story and when I came to the part where you said it was pancreatic cancer my heart dropped. My dad died from that horrific cancer at 55, just came out of nowhere. He had the whipple surgery and I’m sure that extended his life more, but in the end he just couldn’t beat it. As I write this to you, I am staring at my dark purple pancreatic cancer ribbon I have in my office at work. My mom became a nurse overnight and learned everything possible to take care of him including all the note taking when visiting doctor’s; keep up with that it always comes handy. There are many survivors, I PRAY Sean is another one. Stay positive live your life as it is and DON’T GIVE UP!

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  • Marc

    February 26, 2020

    Prayers, positive energy, well-wishes.
    Terrible new to have to face, but just know that you are not alone.

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  • Cheryl

    February 27, 2020

    I am praying fervently and believing in miracles. Also praying for rest for you both of you as you begin this journey. Sending Love and Hugs.

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  • Rachael

    February 27, 2020

    Sean and Stef,
    My thoughts and prayers are with you both. I have been on both sides of this horrific disease. The one hearing you have cancer and the one hearing your son has cancer. Both being told we would never survive but did. (My father also had what he and I have and lost his battle last month at 61 unfortunately). It is nothing easy to go through. For either of you. Cry!! It is good to get it out in the beginning. Write. It is good to talk, even if only to yourself. Scream when you need to. And most importantly, think positive. Be strong for one another. You two are so full of life and so amazing. I hope and pray he kicks this cancers ass and we see you on the next cruise ship as soon as we can. Sending love your way. Rachael

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  • Heidi S

    February 27, 2020

    Sean and Stef you don’t know me but please feel my heart and prayers for you BOTH! Cancer is such an ahole and it pisses me off when it affects nice people like you guys!!! Keep the faith and just live hour to hour if needed. Thoughts and prayers and when I get paid a go fund me donation.

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  • colin m ritchie

    February 27, 2020

    I just read a blog from a friend of mine, who is a friend of yours. As a Cancer survivor I can only wish you the very best for the weeks ahead but if I can give you one piece of advice. Don’t go through this alone, build a village around you, family and friends. My wife had someone different every week stay at the house both friends and family, it made the whole thing less stressful and chaotic. If you can share the pressure of all of this among your close friends and family you will make it through with so much more strength. Plus when Sean is sleeping you have someone to share a glass of Vino.
    I wish you the very very best for the future.
    Colin

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  • Paula

    February 27, 2020

    Hugs and prayers from afar.

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  • REBECCA C

    February 27, 2020

    Sean and Stef,
    I would like to think I could give the best advice in the world or the answer to defeat this monster, but all I have to offer is love and support. You guys became a highlight for my family as we have taken two cruises in the last two years. We have so enjoyed watching everything you put out on YouTube and Sundays Live. You give us hope, and inspire us to be better people, we see the joy you guys bring to each other and those around you. We talk about you as if you are our family. When we say Sean and Stef all of our friends and family know who we mean. So you are not alone in this fight, our family and friends are praying for you guys and will continue to do so, there are such things as miracles and I pray for one for Sean. Thanks for being a bright spot in our lives – may the joy you bring to others be multiplied and returned to you tenfold and Sean healed so you can continue to bless us with your happiness! Love and Support always!

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  • John Butler

    February 27, 2020

    Sean, My name is John Butler. My wife and I have been following you and Stef’s vlogs for the past 2 years or so. I have been an avid follower of Christ for the past 4 or 5 years and it has really changed my life! In an attempt to make a long story short, I am an encourager. I’ve realized that’s a gift I’ve been given that I am grateful for. I felt an overwhelming need to write you and encourage you when I heard the news of your illness.
    I would like to say first of all, you and Stef have inspired me and my wife to, not only travel more, but to enjoy life as a married couple. Her name is Stephanie, so we’ve often referred to ourselves as “John and Steph” when we travel and we may have just as much fun as you guys do! When we were married, Stephanie wanted to go to Cancun for our honeymoon but I was quite honestly afraid to leave the country. In 2016 we took a trip to the area of her home town, San Francisco. We had a great time! AND it was my first trip to the west coast. The following year we got our passports and booked our first cruise on the Carnival Sensation. To date, thanks in part to you and Stef, we’ve been on 4 cruises and been to 5 different countries. We are also going to Barcelona in July for a 12 day Mediterranean Cruise for our 10th anniversary celebration.
    Why am I sharing all this with you? I’m an encourager, and I know you and Stef have inspired SO many couples to enjoy each other. If not traveling together, maybe just dreaming together. I don’t know about the illness the doctors diagnosed you with but I know you are here because God has gifted you with an amazing purpose! You have blessed my wife and I SO much! I see you fighting this and it inspires me even more! I can see you pulling through this with a testimony that will reach so many in need of hope! The Word says “by His stripes, we are healed.” I believe that with all my heart. I would like to encourage you to continue to fight because you have, and will continue to inspire so many more people! Thank you for all you do and blessings to you and Stef!

    Stephanie and I are in prayer for your FULL healing from cancer!

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  • February 28, 2020

    I have read so many articles or reviews concerning the blogger lovers but this article
    is actually a pleasant article, keep it up.

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  • TOM Wisk

    February 28, 2020

    Hey guys, we met while on FATHOM. So sorry to see you going through this. Sending lots of love and positive vibes to you both. The journey through life is a peculiar test and obstacle everyone must travel. I hope you both find the strength through family, friends and supporters to guide your travel along the smoothest pathways. Much love. TOM Wisk

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  • Lauri

    February 29, 2020

    Staff, my husband Meco and I met you and Sean on the last Fathom trip. I am heartbroken over your terrible news but know that God is with you both and you can lean on Him. Steffens take care of yourself too because Sean will need your strength. I’ve been where you are and it’s hard and not fair, but try to stay positive and give each other all your love! I am here for you if you ever need to talk and will be praying for you guys!

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  • Joy

    March 1, 2020

    Sean and Stef, my prayers and love are with you. You both always have beautiful smiles and light up the web. May God keep you both in his loving hands.

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  • March 2, 2020

    Stef…I have been (recently) where you are and every word you wrote is spot on to what I felt. You are a lot stronger than you think…tears don’t mean weakness, it means that you love deeply and are loved deeply in return. Remember that God is in control and He has His wrapped around you both. Just remember to breathe. I am praying for you guys. I love you with all my heart and soul.

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  • Brandi Doyle

    March 5, 2020

    Dear, Bubbly, Beautiful Stef
    I am so thankful for the love that you and Sean have been blessed with, because it exudes through the internet and into the homes of those reading your words and watching your vlogs. Please hear me. You’re a FEIRCE force to reckoned with!!! God works miracles everyday! And some of those miracles are planted inside of special people, they may not know their purpose but the world around them feeds off of that purpose. The beautiful vacations, the love that you and Sean have shared… how remarkably amazing that you have so much of your joy on video to last the length of time when no other mere mortal can? I lost a loved one to pancreatic cancer. I hits close to home to know what •MAY• be ahead for you BUT the faith I have in the both of you for simply just being you. You individually and you as a couple. Allows me to know that in whatever an end, all will be well. All will be as it will be and you’ll continue loving and loving every step of the way. May god grant you both miracles in the days ahead!

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