Day 100 – We’ve Come So Far
“Remember how far you’ve come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be.”
Here it is Day 100 of our stage 4 pancreatic cancer journey. 100 days closer to beating the death sentence that was placed upon us 99 days ago.
I couldn’t even see day 100, 99 days ago but for the first time I am starting to see a light at the end of this nightmare rollercoaster. The light is still dim and a very long ways away but it is there. A little tiny beacon that calls to us every night to keep fighting.
And shoo, this fight has been hard. It brings Sean and I to our knees daily but it doesn’t keep us there. We have moments laying together sobbing but we have more moments laughing. We have moments where the pain is unbearable but more moments where the pain is lighter and we are carefree. We cling to those “more” moments so hard these days. Those moments are the ones worth living for and those are the ones we are fighting to keep.
Things are seemingly getting better. I hate to put that in words for fear of jinxing it but things do seem to be getting better. Sean’s cancer antigen numbers have dropped from close to 30,000 to 700. That’s a huge reduction and we are beyond thrilled with the progress.
We just finished with chemo infusion round six and we are currently in the two week holding period before round seven. This infusion came with so many firsts. It was the first time Sean made it all the way through the treatment without a bad reaction at the end. It was the first time Sean was really hungry during treatment (that hunger even continued until day five of this cycle). It was the first time Sean didn’t vomit after treatment. And it was the first time Sean had very little pain following his infusion. It was a great start to round six.
Unfortunately, when I said cancer will bring you down to your knees, it does time and time again. Day five came and hit Sean with the cancer trifecta. It’s now day seven of the cycle and the pain has been full blown, the nausea unbearable and the vomiting has been relentless. The side effects from chemo are awful. Nope, “awful” is not a strong enough word. Let’s go with horrific. That fits the hell that is chemotherapy.
But you want to know something amazing, even through all of this, it doesn’t seem that bad after the last five days of joy that we have had. Yes it is all bad, especially the pain. But that simple five day reprieve renewed our spirit and filled up the hope jar. I know we have a long road still ahead but instead of saying “look at how far we have to go”, I can proudly say “nope, look at how far we have come.”
So to end this post, I will leave you with a quote from one of the best Pixar movies on the planet – “You will always be my greatest adventure.” Here’s to Day 100 and to the many amazing days yet to come! ♥️