We arrived in Jacksonville, FL this evening and settled into our hotel. Sean and I had a good laugh because even though we are here in Jacksonville for a not so great reason, we still love exploring new places. And this is a new place. We love checking out new hotels. We love driving around looking at new areas. I know. I know. We are strange.  We have a sense of adventure that doesn’t go away, even in the worst of situations.

So here we are in Jacksonville, now what? We honestly have no idea. We don’t know what happens next and it’s not a great feeling. I think we would feel a little better with some kind of….something. I can’t even write what would make things easier because I have no idea what to expect.

When you go to the typical doctor, you know the questions to ask because you have either experienced the ailment or you know someone who has. With cancer, we are completely in the dark. It’s a strange feeling and it’s really hard to explain. It’s kind of like when you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. It’s pitch black dark. No night lights. Nothing but darkness. And even though you have been to the bathroom a million times before, you still put your arms out so you don’t run into a wall or door. That blind feeling of being somewhere that should feel familiar but doesn’t. None of this situation makes sense to us. Even driving feels different. Like driving in a world that should feel familiar but feels stranger than ever.

I wanted to write this post so that I remember how it felt to not know anything about this situation. I know tomorrow the questions will be answered but tonight we are still blind and fumbling in the dark.

What am I feeling? Well it’s weird. It’s a weird feeling of blissful unawareness and absolute terror. The blissful feelings come when you think to yourself, this isn’t so bad. Sean seems great so things must be getting better. That blissful feeling is then crushed by 500 pounds of terror when you snap out of la la land and realize the severity of pancreatic cancer.

So what am I saying with all of this? I have no idea. I still don’t have coherant thoughts. I actually think it’s become worse since we left the hospital. My mind tends to wander to all kind of things. I think about what the future looks like and then I remember back to the best times Sean and I have had together. I will find myself working on our taxes and all of a sudden I have tears streaming down my face because my mind has wandered to a sweet memory.

So what is our new normal? I don’t know but I’ll let you know when I find it.

Share on Facebook

Tweet