>  Daily Journals   >  Lift Me Up | Year 3 – Week 6

I never really knew that things were brought into my life for a reason until Sean died and my eyes were opened. I have had so many things happen that are so hard to explain. This is not something that everyone believes in so I do not talk about it much but this week has been too in my face to not write down this moment. I have an entire list of things I call “Sean’s Spirit” and maybe one day I will share these experiences with the world but for now I will share this week.

As you know from the last post, I spent last week in pure joy as I sailed on the Celebrity Beyond with my friends Ben & David. It was such a great week but like I posted in week 1, I knew there would be a happiness detox. Those detox moments came in just like I knew they would but this week, I was led out of that darkness by a moment that lead me to something that will change me forever and in all things, this came from a movie.

If you didn’t know the latest Black Panther movie came out on Disney+ a week or so ago. Sean & I were not Marvel fans while Sean was alive. We have friends that love it but it was never really interesting to us (I have a very funny story about being on the Disney Magic for Marvel Day at Sea but that’s for another day).

After Sean died, I found myself unable to watch anything that we had watched together. TV shows, forget it. Movie franchises, wasn’t going to happen. So to help distract my mind from the pain and sadness I turned to new shows. I stumbled upon the Marvel universe and thought, well there are a billion of these movies so that should occupy some time. And it did. I went through the entire franchise, one by one and loved how each of them was able to take me out of my reality and bring me into a world of fantasy for 2 hours.

Now, even after watching them all, I would not sit here and say that I am a big Marvel fan now because that would be a lie. I am happy that I have seen the movies if not for the sole purpose to know what everyone is talking about when they snap their finger. The Marvel movies are fun….pure, mindless fun. (except the latest Thor. That one should come with a warning like “this is going to show the true state of what cancer does to your body…warning, might be a trigger if you have lived through it”)

Flash forward to this week when something told me to see what Disney+ had going on. I rarely check out that app but something told me to open it up. The app loaded and to my surprise I saw that the new Black Panther was finally available. I was a little tired from an exhausting work day and I didn’t know if I wanted to invest time for the next 2 hours to watch the whole thing but something said watch it. It was an insistent nudge to watch so I clicked on the movie and it started.

If you didn’t know, the Black Panther was played by an actor named Chadwick Boseman who battled colon cancer for 4 years before succumbing to the disease at 43. He was incredible as Black Panther and did such a fabulous job depicting the strength of that character, even while battling this horrific disease.

Back to the movie….

I have never cried so many tears as I did watching this latest installment to Black Panther. Not painful tears but tears of hope. This is the 1st time I felt like what I was feeling on the inside was being portrayed.

(Spoilers from here on out) The beginning of the movie starts out with Black Panther’s sister trying to find a cure for a mysterious disease that is killing her brother. While she is struggling to find the cure, she is told that her brother has died. It goes on from there with a spectacular funeral and then depicts how hard it is for life to continue around you after someone you love dies. The hurt. The guilt. The resentment. It was all in there. But then there was hope. Hope that comes after you realize life does continue and even though one’s legacy seems to stop when they die, you can pick up those legacies and continue them in their honor. It was a beautiful story and I loved every minute of it, even though my shirt was soaked with tears by the end.

No, this isn’t a review on the new Black Panther movie. Marvel doesn’t need me to promote their films. They are doing just fine. I am writing about this movie because it was another sign from Sean to let me know that I’m doing ok. It’s ok to have the down days, or even weeks, but as long as I keep getting back up and starting again, that’s all that matters.

I have been down a lot these past 2 years and the down moments still come. There are days when all I want to do is stay in bed and never see the sun. But I force myself to get up and conquer as much of the day as I can (even if it’s only 2 hours. I make those 2 hours the most kick ass 2 hours ever). It’s easy to stay in bed and let my thoughts just run on about all the things I didn’t do to help Sean. All the things I could have done to help Sean. All the things I didn’t do yesterday. The list can keep going on and on and on. I stop those thoughts dead in their tracks by saying to myself, “The past is in the past. Can’t change it. So what am I going to do today?” And just like Shuri had to learn in the movie that she had the spirit of Black Panther inside of her, I embody the spirit of Sean, make a small list in my head of 2-3 things I will accomplish today, pull back those covers, put both feet on the floor and tackle the day the best I can. Here’s to all the days where we think we can’t but get up anyway and do all that we can!


  • Mary Ann Beckham

    February 20, 2023

    I am encouraged by your postings. I lost my husband March 20, 2022 after 60 years of marriage. He had congestive heart, diabetes, kidney disease and was a double leg amputee when he passed. His body had so much going against him he just couldn’t recover from the last amputee on Feb 10th. Being alone is one of the hardest things I’ve had to get used to . The first anniversary of his death is fast approaching and I’m dreading that day. I will be taking my two grown kids and their families on the beautiful Meraviglia for a week beginning 3/19 . I thought it would be good for us to all be together that day. Everyone says the first year of all the “firsts” without him is the hardest. Tom and I loved cruising and once we found the Yacht Club on the MSC ships, we never looked back at other lines. I did attend a grief share group for a few months last year and that helped a lot. What I am experiencing is normal and what you are going through is normal. I hope you know how much your journey is helping others.

    • Mary Ann Beckham

      February 20, 2023

      By the way, I am 81 years old and I’m trying to continue our tradition of sailing on our special occasions. You are so young and have an entire life ahead of you. Take care of your needs and stay healthy. God Bless


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