Wow! A bit of time has passed since my last post. There are a bunch of reasons for that so let’s jump in and talk about what has been going on.

First off, my whole thing with starting these writings was to keep myself accountable for the weeks as they go past. Time is so strange now. It goes by so fast while simultaneously also going by so slow. I can’t describe it at all. All I know is I feel like I wake up and a week has gone by but then daily, the day feels like it never ends. When I sit down to think about why this phenomenon is happening to me, the only conclusion is it is still part of my grief process.

Ok, let’s get into that. The grief process has been one of the most physical and psychological thing my body and mind has ever gone through. At times I have all the clarity in the world and then with the snap of a finger, I’m a puddle of goo, sobbing uncontrollably. Like my song of the week mentions, I’m not happy but I am way less sad. I actually don’t know if I will ever be happy again. Yes, I have happy moments with friends but those end and I am alone and unhappy again. I know that probably sounds like I am sad and sometimes I am, but most of the time I’m just indifferent. I have succumbed to the knowledge that my life ended when Sean left and now I am just going through the motions of life. I’m not sure if that is a healthy way to think or not but it is where I am right now. I’m not happy but I’m way less sad.

So let’s back up a bit. If you didn’t know, at the end of April, beginning of May, I went on a 16 night cruise around Hawai’i and then to Alaska. It was an unbelievable trip. UNBELIEVABLE! I was on the cruise with some really great friends and I was in heaven. I have mentioned it many times but I feel closest to Sean at sea. We shared so many happy times together on the ocean and it always just feels right and getting to be in this happy place with special friends, made the trip that much better. When the cruise ended, the ceiling sort of dropped on me. Depression set in again and I was spiraling down. I was eating uncontrollably, wanted to sleep every second of the day but also couldn’t sleep longer than 5 hours, and to take away all the negative feelings spilling out of me, I was working an atrocious amount of hours. Basically working to drain every last emotion that I could possibly have so it was easier to pass out at night. It’s much easier to pass out from exhaustion than to experience all the sadness.

It was a downward spiral for sure. I stopped talking to friends. I stopped going to meet friends. I retreated inside myself and pushed through the emotions. Now if you are following along, you know I have done this before. This seems to be my depression calling card. Withdrawal from everything. I know this isn’t healthy but it is my way of trying to process so many things at one time….or maybe so I don’t have to process anything at all.

I have written before that this whole grieving process is just that, a process. I have learned more about myself and continue to learn more and more. Living on my own has constant struggles and the questions that run through my head never stop. Will I be able to pay the bills this month? Will I still have a job next month? What happens if I lose my job? Will I lose my house? It’s a constant barrage of questions and the only time it does stop is when I am deep in a project for work. But working 15 hour days is not healthy and that leads me to where I am today.

I am finally back in a semi-good headspace. It did take me 13 weeks to get back to this place but at least I am here and able to write about what has been going on. This is not easy at all. Some days I want to give up completely. It would honestly be easier if I did just say fuck it all and be done. But that is not who I am in my core so I continue to push through those thoughts. To better myself I have started eating much healthier. I gained 20 pounds in these last 13 weeks and I am determined to get that off to feel healthier. I knew it was time to change things when my joints started hurting. I promised Sean I would continue to travel and I wouldn’t want to break that promise because of mobility. I am also starting to look at my work schedule and trying to make time for myself. I will be honest with you “time for myself” sucks. It sucks to sit with my own thoughts because I am still struggling with the negative thoughts. I need to work through those thoughts and I am slowly trying to make time for myself if I can. It’s hard for me to pass up another project though because that is money that I need to pay bills. See what I’m saying, it’s a struggle.

I often sit and wish things were back the way they were. No I don’t wish for it, I long for it. I try not to live in the past but it is very easy to say to myself “it didn’t use to be this way”, especially with work. When I get asked to do a project that requires night or weekend hours, I don’t refuse because what else am I doing anyway. Might as well make money for the house and for the kitties. I’m trying to change that thought process but honestly, I don’t do anything else. I barely leave my house and I don’t talk to anyone. It’s just me and the kitties so why not spend every hour working?

So there you go. A 13 week update. It’s hasn’t been easy since I left that cruise of pure bliss. I am behind on all my goals that I set out at the beginning of the year. I feel like I’m a bit in survival mode again but I am trying to change that. If you are struggling and feel like you are failing at everything, I totally understand. Please know that you are not failing and you are not a failure. We are all on a journey and that journey has ups and it has downs. And you know what, some of us live in the downs a little more than we should. It’s not a right and wrong kind of situation. It is life and life is a crazy son of a bitch. I’m here to tell you that wherever you are on this coaster, know you are doing the best that you can. And if you can do better, try a little every day. That’s where I am now. “Living sucks but it’s sucking just a little now.”

So here’s to a good week for us all! I’ll hopefully be writing again next week ❤️