>  Daily Journals   >  Let Love Be Loud | Year 3 – Week 8

Well here we are again. Another week has been crossed off of 2023. How are you doing so far this year? Do you feel like you are staying on top of your goals?

I ask myself these questions pretty much every Sunday just to take step back and see how the week went and how it can go next week. For me, Sunday is a bit of a reset. I know I can’t change the past but I am in charge of the future and I get to set the rules for the next coming week.

How are your doing so far?

So far this year, I’m doing pretty good. Of course I have highs and lows but overall I am doing well. However, despite being “good”, I did notice this week that I really lack happiness. I can remember always being happy with Sean. Yes, we did have arguments. I’m not talking about those moments when we both dug our feet in the sand and became two of the most stubborn people on the planet. I’m talking about the overall feeling of being happy with the person that you choose to spend your life with. Happiness from rolling over in the morning and saying “good morning. How did you sleep?” Happiness from getting a pat on the bottom as you reach up to a high shelf for a coffee mug. Happiness from bitching about work and having the other person know exactly what you are talking about. Happiness from deciding (or not deciding) what we should have for dinner. Happiness by saying fuck the day, let’s go to a park and have some fun. Happiness from laying on the couch and laughing hysterically at our favorite comedy. And happiness when you lay down your head at night and say “I love you. See you in the morning.”

I don’t know what happiness is in my daily life any more. I don’t really feel anything. I know I have responsibilities with work and bills and I take care of those, but happiness is missing. I have mentioned that traveling makes me feel happiness. It allows me to feel like I did when I was together with Sean and I love it. But what would happen to my happiness if I was unable to travel? I had a phone call this week that was really exciting but it could mean that the ability to travel may be coming to an end. So where do I find this elusive feeling?

Not that I want or need to add another thing to my plate, but happiness is something that I need to find some day. I don’t know where I will find it and I definitely do not know how, but I know the future could look very different and I don’t want to forget how to be happy.

Are you staying on top of your goals?

I can say with 100% certainty that I am NOT staying up with my goals 😂 and that’s ok. I have been unable to keep up on our YouTube channel because I have been working like crazy. I worked 81 hours this week and that didn’t leave a lot of time for anything else except sleep. Side note, I know that may seem like a lot of hours but I love working. It’s such a great distraction for me and it is also allowing me to build my bank account back up from my December loss. I am hoping that I will have some night hours this coming week to get back to editing videos. I wanted to make some progress this weekend but I needed a bit of a brain break from my crazy schedule this week.

So although I didn’t make any progress on my YouTube goals, I did progress on my work and financial goals and I’ll take that as a half win this week 😁

Overall Thoughts on the Week –

I do feel bad that I am getting farther behind on youtube content. It weighs on my mind every day. I am learning how to tune these weighing thoughts out and try to focus on the things that are going good. I think I focus on the negative a little too much (Sean was my other half to bring me back to the positive when these negative emotions would settle in). I do know that focusing on the negative stops me from moving forward at all. I don’t want to stop pushing forward so this week I focused on the guaranteed money that I am making and how the jobs that I am taking on, are furthering my art career. So this week, my youtube sacrifice was totally ok.

This week was also the anniversary of Sean’s diagnosis with cancer. Feb 25 is and will always be etched in my brain forever. To add to the thoughts about this day, I spent the day celebrating the life of our friend Chaz, who just passed away from cancer 8 days ago. Chaz had such an incredible impact on so many people and we were blessed to have him as a friend. If you didn’t know, Chaz, and his beautiful wife Lori, were the ones that got Sean a place at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville. Sean was given 3 months to live when he was diagnosed but because of their love and graciousness to reach out to Mayo, we were able to extend that 3 months into 13. That year was a difficult one but I owe Chaz & Lori so much for allowing me to have a little more time with Sean, which strengthened our love together. I am forever grateful for those extra months and for the good memories that we made during a very difficult time. I don’t think Chaz & Lori know how special they are to me, but they will always have a part of my heart. The world lost a great man last week and it is my honor to have Lori & Chaz in my life.

Chaz’s Celebration of Life was a beautiful tribute to an absolutely amazing human. It was a sad day but it was also one of remembrance and smiles. We all weeped for the the loss of such a great person but we all were thankful that Chaz touched a part of our lives. Just like the song of this week says “We can make a difference”, I truly hope that I am able to embody the spirit of both Sean & Chaz and live each day to the fullest and make a difference. I want to make something of the time I have left on this earth. It has been a slow start but maybe one day I won’t just be the sad, grieving widow.


  • February 27, 2023

    Stef, your story and the love you have for Sean has touched so many of us. We have been behind you both with our prayers and tears. When the YouTube content is there, we will be watching. When it isn’t, we wait patiently for more. I am sorry for your loss of a dear friend. Please be kind to you. We love you!


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