All the memories of 3 years ago came flooding back this morning. Every detail fresh in my mind like it just happened. From the night before coming home from Jacksonville, to seeing all our friends saying goodbye one last time. All the feelings, all the moments, all the tears, it ALL hit me so hard when I walked out from the bedroom to see the place where you took your last breath.

I can’t believe 3 years has gone by since I woke up and you last rolled over and asked me “how did you sleep last night baby girl?” It’s those moments that really get to me. The moments when I realize I will never hear certain things again. Those are just memories now and I cling to those memories with everything that I have.

Time really is a crazy thing. It can be so cruel yet wonderful at the same time. I sit here in disbelief that 3 years has gone by but also can’t believe that I actually made it to year 3. It really does feel like it was yesterday that the cancer nightmare we were living, all came to an end. My world was flipped upside down in an instant and it felt like all the oxygen on the planet was sucked dry. I didn’t know how I would go on without you. How could I? We built this life together and went through so many battles, how could I possibly do this alone now? My gut reaction to that question is to answer “I didn’t have a choice” but in reality, I absolutely did have to choose to live each day. And I don’t mean “live” like “live life to the fullest”, I actually mean live in the most basic sense of the word. Getting up each morning, putting one foot in front of the other, and going through the routine of everyday life. Life that use to come so easy and was mundane was now something that was difficult. I can’t even tell you how many days it would have been easier to just stay in the dark but I knew I had to face the light, keep pushing forward in this world that was causing me more pain than I thought one body could physically handle, and just do it.

That drive came from you sweetie. You went through hell and back for me so the least I could do was take a shower, fight through the tears and keep going.

So now here we are 3 years later with 3 years of change and 3 years of healing. I am slowly learning how to live in this new world. I still haven’t conquered the tears from flowing but now instead of those tears coming just from pain, they are now a mix of happy tears that come from me smiling and remembering good memories that we shared together. There is honestly never a moment when I am not thinking of you. I still talk to you and I still have conversations about you to others. You will forever be a part of me and although you may be physically gone, I know you are standing right next to me guiding me on this journey. From friendships that have come and go, to new careers and challenges that arise everyday, I know I am going through all of these things with the hardest working guardian angel ever. 3 years ago I thought I lost everything but now I know that our relationship continues to be one that nothing can break. Thank you for continuing to always be there for me. For literally yelling in my ear at dangerous situations saying “don’t you dare think of doing that!”, reminding me to play with the cats or even giving me advice on work and how to handle people. You constantly remind me that I am not alone and I can feel you all around me.

I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that we will continue to do this together. We will continue to travel together. We will fight my cancer together. We will grow my career together. We will do it all…….together! And I cannot wait until that day we are reunited and we can laugh about all the things that we did together (and you can tell me how difficult it was to protect me because let’s face it, I’m a walking hazard 😂). This life is a messy one but I couldn’t ask for a better angel to continue on with. Thank you for loving all of me. Here’s to the next year of laughter, surprises, joy and trying to make you as proud as possible 😘