When Am I Enough | Year 3 – Week 4
OMG, this week has been a really crazy one and one that I never saw coming. A while ago, I was contacted by someone who happened to pick up on a very subtle nod I gave to my alma mater in a video. If you missed those little clues (like 99% of people that watched), I am a graduate of West Virginia University. I graduated with 2 degrees a billion years ago and I am proud to say that I am a Mountaineer. Flashing forward to this week, I found out that this person, who is an avid cruiser and follower of our YouTube channel, works with marketing and outreach for WVU. I joined a phone call with him and we proceeded to spend the next 2 hours talking about everything WVU, cruising and life. This conversation led to another conversation about the possibility of me being a part of the WVU alumni magazine. What? You want to write an article about me? To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I don’t see myself as well, really anything. I know I have talent in art but why would anyone want to write an article about me? It really was such a surreal moment.
I feel like I am barely hanging on day to day and then something like this happens. I would never have thought I have anything to give to anyone, much less be part of a magazine that celebrates graduates. Imposter syndrome is a real thing and something that I struggle with daily. I wish I could celebrate my accomplishments but it is difficult for me. Sean was my rock with that. He was the one that would fill me with confidence. I felt like I could rule the world with Sean standing next to me but now, the feelings that I am not even good enough to breathe air, much less be looked upon as something positive, are feelings that flow through my body and mind.
This may not make sense. It doesn’t really make sense to me at all. My brain gets caught up in the fact that I never had these feelings with Sean and now these negative feelings are all that I feel and think. Just like I need to learn to lean on friends more, I also need to gain my self confidence back again. That’s a tall order for me because I don’t feel like I will ever find this confidence again. When my world was ripped apart, I was taken down to my knees and felt the lowest moments of my life. I still see myself as that weak girl, curled in a ball on the floor screaming at the ceiling. It’s hard to push through that vision of myself but I am trying. I am hoping one day I will look at myself in the mirror and actually believe the positive affirmations I tell myself daily.
This Week’s Thoughts
This week had ups and downs, as most of my weeks do anymore. I cried this week more than I have in a while. I cried knowing that next week I will be on another cruise without Sean. I cried at the moment when I wanted to share my big WVU news with Sean and he was not here. I mostly cried this week because I am really missing the one person that understands me the most. I miss being able to share my successes with Sean. Now instead of thinking about success, all I think about are the failures. I think we all tend to be our worst critics. It’s easy for me to say to someone, you are amazing and doing so well but for some reason, it’s hard to say those same things to myself. Like Demi Lovato says we’re a 10 out of 10 even when we forget.
