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Dear Sean,

It has been six months since you held my hand. Six months since you kissed my lips. Six months since you smiled your sweet smile at me. Six months since you said “I love you”.

I didn’t know how much I would miss hearing you say those three words – I love you. Such a simple little phrase that we would say to each other throughout the day. A phrase that we would say as we turned out the light for bed. A phrase we would say when I ran to the grocery store. A phrase we would say when one of us would simply leave the room.

Six months. 26 weeks. Half a year. However you want to measure it, life has been empty without you. I know you want me to be happy and I am trying. I try to find happiness. I try to find joy. But finding those things is very difficult when you are missing half of your heart.

The only way I can describe this whole thing is to call it a journey. A 50 times up Mount Everest and back kind of journey. A journey with no finish line or trophy. Where you cry most nights, question your existence every hour, and wonder how you are going to make it through the next day kind of journey. A journey with a bridge that gives out on you randomly and you contemplate just letting go and plunging into the dark abyss below.

This journey has been full of heartache and pain but you want to know something that has pulled me through the last 183 days…YOU! Your love gives me strength and our love grows stronger every single day. Even in the absence, we are still connected and you are right there guiding me along the path and reaching out a hand when the bridge gives way. I have seen you in the smallest things like random messages from Alexa to big things like you sending Kat to save my life. Your love surrounds me all the time and is the only reason I am able to get out of bed every morning. You inspire me daily to create art and let me tell you sweetie, this upcoming show is amazing. Thank you for giving me the strength to be creative and be part of a team that is truly a dream come true. Creating custom animations, whole scenes…let’s just say, without you, these things never could have happened. You are my muse and you always will be.

I know there are still rough times for me and I know you are crying right next to me when I break down and scream at the ceiling. But through those moments I know you have your arms around me and I can hear you say “it’s going to be all right. Just breathe and we will get through this together” because that’s what we have done for the last 15 years.

So I will put on a smile for you sweetie and hold my head high as I tackle another day of life. Your fight to stay here with me showed me that life is precious. I know the tears will always come but the smiles and laughter are right there too. I am excited for October to be able to show you my work from the past six months and I am excited for December when I will take my first solo cruise (well not really solo because you will be right beside me the whole time). I want to make you proud sweetie and I know living life to the fullest, even through the sadness and pain, is the greatest gift I can give you.

My love for you will never fade and grows stronger and stronger everyday. Thank you for always being there. I know God is holding you tight for me and I can’t wait until the day when I can see you again. Here’s to the next six months sweetie. We can do this….TOGETHER ❤️

Love, Stef

The Crane symbolizes strength, power, longevity and creativity. The last 26 weeks has shown me that no matter what happens in this realm, our love and strength for each other will never be broken ❤️

Before I end this I want to say thank you to everyone who has helped me get through the last 6 months of pain and anguish. As Sean and I use to say when playing video games, the map is greyed out until you explore the area. I am truly honored and blessed to have such great friends to help me “open the map” and make those grey areas bright. This is a whole new world for me and I am learning how to live all over again. It’s a slow process but slowly my feet are finding traction and I couldn’t do it without the help of all of you.

First I want to thank my sister Kristin for really stepping up to support me emotionally through this process. The midnight facetimes, the daily meltdowns, the call just to say “I hope you are having a good day”. I am the oldest and to have a younger sibling step up and take the reins to help me navigate the pain, has been amazing. Also, the biggest thank you to your wife Shannon who has helped you, help me, through this difficult time. I love you both so much!

To Rick – thank you for the daily texts to ask me how I am doing. You have no idea what it means to me to still feel supported.

To Kat – girl what can I say except I owe you my life. I get tears in my eyes every time I think of that night. I cannot thank you enough times for being there and for pulling me out of the abyss. You are my angel, forever and always.

To Tony & Ashley – you both are such amazing friends. Thank you for listening and being there while I cried and cried and cried. I cannot thank you enough times for being there at a time when I was at my lowest. You both inspire me to push through everyday and I am honored to call you friends.

To Dana – thank you for always being there to support me over the past 6 months. Sean brought God and love into my life and you have continued to grow that love. I know Sean is proud that I continue to have God in my life and I am forever thankful for our friendship.

To Walter & Rebecca – thank you for helping me get through the weekends in one piece. The weekends are the hardest and whether we are exploring theme parks, making pasta or just chatting over espressos, you both have helped me see the happy again.

To Melissa (& Fam) – the biggest thank you for pulling me in and making me feel like part of the family. You all are such wonderful friends and I am forever thankful that God put us all back together after 20 years. Thank you for helping to put joy and laughter back in my life. I cannot thank you enough times for being so amazing. We have big plans and I can’t wait to see them all come to fruition.

To our cruise community – thank you for your continued messages of love and support. You all have no idea how much is means to me to have you in our lives. We have always said you are our family and that will always be the case. I love you all and I can’t wait to get back out there and explore the world with you.

Comments:

  • Yvonne

    September 6, 2021

    Dearest Stef,

    What a beautiful letter you really are a remarkable woman. It touched my heart to read your beautiful words.

    Take care lots of love

    Yvonne

    reply...
  • Mark Keith Lee

    September 6, 2021

    There is no one that has been able to define how love feels, what love is, and how the loss of a loved one feels. Therefore, you have defined what being human and humanity is. May God Bless you and keep you.

    Mark

    reply...
  • Lisa & Brooks

    September 6, 2021

    What a beautiful letter and a beautiful way to remember Sean on this day. Sean will always be by your side to give you strength, but I hope you know how strong you are at your core. We are standing beside you as well and are thinking of you.

    reply...
  • Paul Watkins

    September 7, 2021

    You got this! #loveup

    reply...
  • Carmen MILLER

    September 7, 2021

    I’m glad to see you are doing “alright”! You are a shining star! You have shown me your strength, and I am confident that you will continue to grow and shine. You will always have Sean in your heart, but together you created a community that loves you.
    Amazing that together you created that, now you know why! Your cruise commmunity will always be with you, beside you and behind you.
    Twinkle Star! You got this, even when it doesn’t look like you do!

    reply...
  • Tracy Weldon

    September 9, 2021

    You are such a beautiful writer. I’m not sure if you are ready for this, but you could definitely write a book. It could be all the letters from your journey with your love story. You are truly talented and expressive with your words. Thinking of you 💕

    reply...

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