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Yesterday was a day that I had been dreading since April began. It was a day that I didn’t want to come. This was a first that will be among many other firsts that will happen this year. Unfortunately, I am unable to freeze time and April 19th was here. Staring at the ceiling, in the dark, I began to think about the past 6 weeks that I have been here without Sean. The days are a blur of tears, fears and unimaginable pain. I found myself in some of the darkest places you could imagine. All I wanted was to join Sean and leave all the pain behind. How easy it would have been to just give up and swim down.

But through the grace of Sean’s love, I did not swim down. I woke up on April 19th and started thinking about the next 365 days. 365 days and I will be right back here staring at the ceiling again. What will I accomplish in those short days? Will I look back and see more blurs of tears and pain or will I look back and say to myself you did all that? I then thought about Sean and all that we faced together last year. All the moments where he could have just given up and swam down but he didn’t. He chose to get up and keep living life. He chose joy over pain and so will I.

The moments of pain will still come but I am going to try my hardest to keep those as “moments” and not days, weeks or months. Sean was so proud of me while he was here and when I see him again, I want him to have that same smile and say “wow baby girl, look at all you did”.

Our story is not over, this is just a new chapter. I don’t know what this chapter has in store for me but I do know that Sean will be with me every step of the way. And one day this chapter will also close and a new chapter will begin with Sean and I together again. Our story is not over … ❤️

Comments:

  • Michaela

    April 20, 2021

    Such beautiful words Stef. We are all with you on this journey!

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  • Brian Huchens

    April 20, 2021

    Wow, you are so very strong, i know you might not think so, but you are. Thank you for being the incredible lady you are, a very talented artist and storyteller supreme. He is and always will be proud of you.
    Danyl & Brian Hutchens

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  • Martha Emmett

    April 20, 2021

    Many, many, many hugs to you from Delaware. You are NOT alone. You have many people around the world who care for and love you. Your videos have brought us all great joy. Your spirit is bright and so is your future! Sean would be so proud of you and he will be right beside you all through your life. And when your time comes many, many years from now, he will be there waiting to guide you over. My mom was a young widow as well. She never remarried as my dad was the love of her life. She kept busy and, when her time came at age 89, I truly believe that he was there waiting for her under the apple tree. (Their song was “Don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone but me”).
    Again, sending hugs!

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  • Holly

    April 20, 2021

    So beautiful! You are strong. You got this! It won’t be easy but you can do it. Sean knew that. He knows you can get through these times to find your happiness again. Differenet happiness but happiness no the less..

    Hugs from Holly in
    Nova Scotia

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  • Deb Griffin

    April 20, 2021

    Beautifully said Stef. Sean lives on through you and he would never want you to give that up. Losing a loved one is always hardest on those left behind. It’s hard to be patient while we wait to see them again, but trust…you definitely will and the joy that day will bring will be like no other. Always thinking of you Stef. ❤️

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  • Maureen Benedict

    April 20, 2021

    Choosing Joy isn’t easy. Choosing to get up every morning isn’t easy. Choosing to be strong isn’t easy. It’s ok to grieve, to cry, to want to give up, to wallow. There is nothing that says you have to be strong all the time. Give yourself permission to be kind to yourself. To cry, to wail, to rail at the unfairness and injustice of life, to fall into the depths of your grief. I lost a baby girl 19 years ago. A year later, my husband (the love of my life) decided he couldn’t take the sadness and left. Left me alone in my grief with my baby son. My husband chose to go. Sean did not choose to leave you – he was torn away. Life isn’t fair. It’s cruel and heart wrenching. But in the depths of the darkness there will also be a pin prick of light and every day, unknown to you, that light will slowly start getting bigger. One day without even realising it has happened you will laugh again. This is your journey, and Sean is there with you, holding your hand but you have to travel this road. It will get easier with time, but you have to give yourself permission to travel this road of grief and loneliness and sadness. Be kind to yourself. I promise you it will get easier. You have a whole community behind you supporting you and mourning with you. We love you.

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  • Clodagh

    April 20, 2021

    Bless you Stef…you are so strong. I know some days it doesn’t feel like it but you are such an inspiration to me and loads of others. Your Friendos are here for whenever you need us. Take care xo #IChooseJoy

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  • MiA

    April 20, 2021

    Amazing as always Stef & Happy Birthday!!! Serous and I keep you in our Thoughts and Prayers
    Sending Love from Georgia

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  • Linda Slaughter

    April 20, 2021

    It was 30 years ago that I was where you are now. I remember my first birthday, his first birthday, our anniversary, Christmas…I got through those days and kept moving forward. Today as I look back I see I was strengthened by the love we shared and by God’s perfect love the peace He gave me. I know you will live and in time thrive because of all the love that surrounds you. You will do great and happy things and Sean will be very proud of you. I’m glad you are choosing joy…I choose it too.
    Linda Slaughter

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  • Bonnie

    April 20, 2021

    Thank you for sharing, Stef! It means a lot that you continue to put your heart out there for others. We all echo Sean’s words: Wow baby girl. look at all you did.
    We also want to continue to be the voices that say- Wow Stef- look at all you are doing, giving, changing!

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  • Mark

    April 20, 2021

    Life is a journey, a marathon, a trek. Keep on the journey, run the race, be the best you can be. My mother was in the same position you are in. She persevered, so shall you as you love life. Happy 29th Birthday for the 14th time! (I NEVER ask a woman her age as it doesn’t have STUPID tattooed on my forehead). Love your vlogs and hope to be able to visit some of the places you and Sean experienced. I am finishing the Epic TA from three years ago. Watching it is bittersweet, but you and him have shared wonderful times.

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  • Stacie Pinkerton

    April 20, 2021

    Such an inspiring post. In those moments when you manage to smile and laugh in spite of the pain, I can see Sean’s face lighting up. He will especially enjoy your quirky “muppet” moments. His face always lit up with pure love and amusement in those moments! It was always so clear that he truly loved and adored everything about you. And you definitely honor him in the way you are striving to find joy❤️ Continued prayers for more joy!

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  • April 22, 2021

    So proud of you, Stef. I know those dark places all too well. Sean is always with you, and you have a multitude of people who love you. You’ve got this!

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