I Choose Joy
Yesterday was a day that I had been dreading since April began. It was a day that I didn’t want to come. This was a first that will be among many other firsts that will happen this year. Unfortunately, I am unable to freeze time and April 19th was here. Staring at the ceiling, in the dark, I began to think about the past 6 weeks that I have been here without Sean. The days are a blur of tears, fears and unimaginable pain. I found myself in some of the darkest places you could imagine. All I wanted was to join Sean and leave all the pain behind. How easy it would have been to just give up and swim down.
But through the grace of Sean’s love, I did not swim down. I woke up on April 19th and started thinking about the next 365 days. 365 days and I will be right back here staring at the ceiling again. What will I accomplish in those short days? Will I look back and see more blurs of tears and pain or will I look back and say to myself you did all that? I then thought about Sean and all that we faced together last year. All the moments where he could have just given up and swam down but he didn’t. He chose to get up and keep living life. He chose joy over pain and so will I.
The moments of pain will still come but I am going to try my hardest to keep those as “moments” and not days, weeks or months. Sean was so proud of me while he was here and when I see him again, I want him to have that same smile and say “wow baby girl, look at all you did”.
Our story is not over, this is just a new chapter. I don’t know what this chapter has in store for me but I do know that Sean will be with me every step of the way. And one day this chapter will also close and a new chapter will begin with Sean and I together again. Our story is not over … ❤️