I’m not gonna sugar coat it, yesterday sucked. It sucked so so bad. The feeling of absolute helplessness was something that Sean and I have never felt before. It was like being in a muddy pit with concrete being poured on your head. All you want to do is climb out of the pit but it keeps collapsing and the concrete keeps pouring.

The details of yesterday are so fuzzy. I can’t tell you what doctor did what or said this. It was a day that didn’t feel real. I think I must have said to myself “Wake up Stef. This is just a dream. Waaake up please”. But this nightmare is very real and today it’s time to put the sorrows away and begin to look toward the future (and damn it, there will be a future!)

Today begins the hardest journey that we have ever walked. I don’t know what will happen in a week or a month but like I mentioned yesterday, we are taking each day as one more day. 24 hours to be with each other and face whatever that day has to bring.

The plan for today was to talk to the Oncologist and get a biopsy of the tumor so we know exactly what we are dealing with. The general hospital doctor came in with a gastroenterologist and explained again what the results were that we were given last night. They didn’t tell us anything new. Just that this is bad. Thanks doc. All Sean said was “cool, when do we start”. Sean’s response was so epic in my mind and it threw the doctor off a bit as well. I think the doctor expected us to break down but the tears have dried and now it’s time to prepare for the fight.  Sean has fought for everything in his life and he isn’t going to stop when it matters most.

The doctor left and we sat in the room just holding each other. We didn’t cry. We didn’t say anything. We just sat there living that moment to the fullest.

Sean didn’t end up getting the biopsy yesterday. That was disappointing. But Sean is on the biopsy schedule for tomorrow and he will also be getting something called a port for chemotherapy. (It’s funny because time feels so different now. One hour feels like four. One day feels like a week. I can’t explain it. It makes us feel like we are not going fast enough, even though the time frame for procedures is normal.) So doctor wise, today was just a day of waiting. We didn’t learn anything new and we didn’t proceed forward.

BUT you know what today did bring? LOVE! And I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. We woke up to the most amazing messages of strength, compassion, and advice. Messages from people all over the world supporting us and sending us the warmest thoughts and prayers. We didn’t cry with the doctor but by golly, the tears were flowing as we scrolled through message after message. The only difference with these tears? These were tears of happiness and not tears of despair. If you sent a message to us, please know that we have read every single one, even though we haven’t been able to respond to you all. There are not enough words to describe the feeling that we felt. It was like each message sent a love arrow into our hearts and our hearts got bigger and bigger and bigger (kind of like the Grinch when he stops being the Grinch “the Grinch’s small heart grew 3 sizes that day”). The love pouring out of our phones was unbelievable.

A little after lunch, we were greeted by our amazing work friends. I have never experienced the power of a hug, like I experienced today. It was amazing. It was like a receiving line. One hug after another and Sean and I wanted to keep going down that line again and again and again. I felt like angels walked through the door and each hug felt like we were walking on a cloud. Like walking on a field of marshmallows.

We spent the afternoon and evening chatting, laughing, crying a little, and just being “normal”. I don’t honestly remember what was being said because my mind is mush but it was so nice to have this feeling of not being alone.

I want to stop and just say thank you to everyone. I could write thank you one million times and it still wouldn’t be enough times to show how much we are thankful for each and every one of you.

Special thank yous to our fellow YouTube creators for your words of encouragement and light. Josh Hocum, your live stream was a ray of hope on a very dark day. Ben & David, Emma, Sheri, Paul & Carole, Gary, Alyssa & Griff, Sanna, and so many others that I just can’t remember right now (please don’t hate me if I didn’t mention your name. We love you all). Like I said at the beginning, we have read every tweet, every Facebook post, every Instagram story. You all have shown us that there is so much good in the world. You all are our family and we are forever grateful to know you and have you in our lives.

Thank you to everyone from Disney who took time out of your day to come to a hospital and hang out. Seriously, you all are angels. Matt, Ashley, Tony, Ana, Evan, Chris, Hector, Dana, Maya, Katrina, Frank, Trent, JP & Tim (please don’t hate me if I missed you. The whole afternoon was a haze of pure joy). If this happened a year ago, Sean and I would be sitting here alone. It is our honor to know and work with such amazing amazing people.

And finally THANK YOU to everyone who has donated to help us fight this fight. Wow! All I can say is wow and thank you. We are humbled for all your support and compassion.

All right, it’s 4:00am and I am going to try to get a few hours of sleep. I know how important sleep is right now but I just don’t want to miss one single moment with Sean. Sean and I are snuggling in his hospital bed and even though the circumstances suck, having his arm around me makes everything feel ok for right now.

Today’s Goal: Achieved! I was present with the doctor and I didn’t let my mind wonder to a bad place of despair. Today was a day of hope with the knowledge that this fight is just beginning. We know it’s got to get worse before it gets better and we are ready. Sean is ready for the physical fight and I will be there for the emotional fight. Excuse my language but FUCK YOU CANCER! You may be strong but we are going to be stronger!

Tomorrow’s Goal: Eat & drink more. I realized tonight that I haven’t had but a sip of water in 2 days and I didn’t eat anything but 3 fruit snacks the entire day. Thanks Tim for buying me a grilled cheese sandwich and a bottle of water for dinner. Tim told me that I have to force myself to eat and that’s what I will do. I’m not hungry at all but I can’t be emotionally strong for Sean if I’m not physically able to be there.