I’m sitting in a doctor’s office waiting on the report of my liver biopsy and thought I’d take time to say I’m sorry. I literally became silent for a few days while I reflected on all of the data in front of me. I don’t normally disappear like this. I typically hit the ground running and have no issues staying motivated. In any other situation I would have 50 blog posts and vlogs by now. Somehow things are different.
Since I was hospitalized on Monday, and even more so after receiving my diagnosis, I’ve been dealing with an overwhelming sense of sadness and a total lack of energy.
I know that some of this is from staying in the hospital. Zero sleep and almost no food for a week. Super dehydrated, tired and generally exhausted from the experience. My surgery to put in my port and perform my liver biopsy was the single most stressful and horrific event I’ve ever had to encounter. I’m incredibly claustrophobic and the entire surgery was performed with a blanket over my face and my hands tied down. For someone who suffers from anxiety this was pure hell. I was basically being water boarded.
The hospital was incredibly stressful and I don’t feel like I’ve fully recovered from it yet. Couple this with the most pain that I’ve ever experienced in my life and we have a recipe for disaster.
Something to note is that it’s easy to become depressed in a situation like this. While it is OK to be sad, It’s not OK to embrace the sadness and let it control you. I may or may not have only a few minutes left on this planet, I’ll be damned if I go out feeling like this. I’m a trillion percent grateful for the life I have. Everything Stef and I have gone through. Every high, every low. I love it all. I’m forever grateful to Stef for allowing me to be a part of her life. We’ve explored the world together and I couldn’t be more honored to be her husband.
I’m going to beat this disease. Cancer will regret the day it met me. I’m sorry for disappearing. This is all very new for me. I will fight. I am a fighter. I just needed some time to adjust to my new normal, I guess. More importantly it’s imperative that I mention that I haven’t lost my fight. I just had to find it again.
I encourage everyone who reads this blog post to tell someone that you love them. Take your coffee time today with someone you care about. Time is our most valuable asset and I think we take our relationships for granted sometimes. It’s easy to let life get in the way. The reality is that life & love is all that matters. We don’t get a second turn so make today count. You expressing your love to someone today could very well save their lives. We don’t know what people are going through. I’m able to pick myself up and move forward as a direct result of the love that people have shown me. I’m bombarded with kindness and offers to help and it’s the most wonderful feeling on Earth. Today I woke up to this video and it helped me realize what is important:
Finding my new normal isn’t a bad thing. It’s an accepting my reality and making the best of it thing. I cannot tell you enough how much the cruising community has done to help me. I cannot thank everyone enough for the love and renewed strength. I can do this because of the love I’m receiving every day. Thank you Stef for being the most amazing partner ever. I can’t do this without you. Thank you to Josh, Ben & David, Emma and all of the other creators putting on the internet telethon. Thank you to the thousands of people out there who sent a loving message. To those of you who wrote that you don’t know what to say, it’s OK, I don’t either. We’ll figure it out together.
Thank you all for your love and support, for your amazing comments. I’m fueled by the love from everyone who surrounds us. I love and adore you all.
Today is a beautiful day. Let’s all tell someone that we love them.